I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
