I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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