You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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