I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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