Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
