I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
no you cant smoke seaweed
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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