there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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