But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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