Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
