I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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