if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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