I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
