he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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