I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
