you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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