I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
