someone get that fucking seahorse.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
