Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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