i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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