Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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