Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
