He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We left an ass print on the piano.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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