you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
