I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
