Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
