my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
