i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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