i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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