FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
