she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Is it because I queefed?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Randomize
