If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
