she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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