I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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