drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There's always time for handjobs
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need to wash the frat house off of me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
