Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
