I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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