So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
