when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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