IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
