he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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