I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
