Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize