someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
