If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
