Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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