Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize