I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
