i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
