is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
