the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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