I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
