im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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