I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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