then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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