my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
