There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
