Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Randomize
