You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
