just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
