I love black thongs
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
