How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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