My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize