Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
