I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
