drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
