if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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