Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
