I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
