The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
