So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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