i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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