I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
