i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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