I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Terrible idea I love it
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
