Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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