I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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